oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
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