Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(207): View more from Maine

There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.

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(334): View more from Alabama

She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...

(1+44): View more from

That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh

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(801): View more from Utah

Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.

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(646): View more from New York

In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.

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(415): View more from California

You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.

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(801): View more from Utah

Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know

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(713): View more from Texas

Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine

(202): View more from Washington, DC

That’s how my thanksgiving went

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