dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I need water and some morals
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize