wrigley field is MILF paradise
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Dick very happy bro
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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