my phone needs a breathalizer
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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