i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
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