I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
