Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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