I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
