So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
