i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
you inspire me to be a worse person
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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