please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
