Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
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