Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Randomize
