So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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