Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Randomize
