Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Randomize
