I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
