If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
