Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Randomize
