My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
