i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
