if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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