Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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