The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Randomize
