New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
foreskin is a definite game changer
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Randomize
