I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
