singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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