Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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