A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
