Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
me + whiskey = a bad person
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
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