Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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