bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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