hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
