you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Randomize
