I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
