I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
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