So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
