I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I want to be your penis for a week.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
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