he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
