I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
