distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
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