Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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