I think scott just propositioned me for sex
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
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