i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
