R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Still dying that you shit outside
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
