Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
