hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
