the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
