you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
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