I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
