I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Randomize
