they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Boobs speak an international language.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
