My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
