Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
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