I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
