i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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