I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
A bitchslap is in order.
Randomize
