I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
you had me at cake vodka
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
