It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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