4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
