I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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