Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
my being single is dangerous.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
