I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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