Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
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